RALPH

Breathing for the first time...

for the past few weeks i have been experiencing something akin to a rebirth of sorts.  a reawakening...i am finding a home inside of me.  it is ok to be at this place and to cradle the newness of the infancy that is with in.  i have found home.  and this weekend that would normally send me into a tailspin emotionally has put me neither high nor low but just present.  i do not expect any thing yet if it happens more i am grateful if it happens less i am grateful for what was given...for after all i am at home in me.  i have not been painting...i have been contemplating the painting...yearning for the brush...and now with this inward shift i am feeling that it is time to pick it up again...also to pick up some glass...and fuse some meaning~full heart jewelry...for me...just for me.  where do i go from here....? i dont know but i know that i have a home...in me...embracing it all and the gentleness that is flowing from it...i still have the anger...and the sadness...but the tools are with in reach...and the isolation that separated, that heavy fog...is starting to lift...and i am calling out and sharing...the inner most part...the soul...and it is safe...and beautiful...and full of love...

Joy in the journey..........

the whipping post has come out and the place to safely beat it is here.  i am tired again...and not because of the whirlwind of drama and lama songs...but because of the what ifs and trusts that i chose to ignore.  so compile all of that into one long drawn out overly wrought out of proportion incident and i am over it.  it becomes this ambiguous word that tends to have more teeth then i want to give it credit for.  teeth to keep me awake...teeth that gnaw at fears...the it...and yet despite it and the pain i am confronted by this delicious if not overwhelming sweet joy...a balancing act i suppose...the view of interior workings of the psyche in the exterior world.  the secret that i hold is that i can see beyond what others see...i can quickly feel what is beneath the surface...i dont let on...i just let it be.  so this is my whipping post my thoughts my ramblings my mind...the words that are so aft to flow through this heart yet so quick to die on my lips...courage i need to find...love i already have...truth i fully embrace...the journey the myriad of the soul...i used to run from but today i am letting it be...real...really really real.  i dont have it all together...the pain is immense...and then the joy of a simple sunrise makes the pain forgotten for a brief second...

I read this last night....and it is a part of ME

BirdWings by Rumi
Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror
up to where you’re bravely working.
Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.
Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
if it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.
Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expanding,
The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.

Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)

Time and Again...

Just when i think i have it all figured out and life gets quiet another little issues pops up.  and it is not mine.  what is funnier is how the issuer is trying desperately to make it mine.  and that is the sad part.  i am me, authentic...lovely quirky sad sarcastic loner me.  i have learned so much this past few months...it has been a hard lesson...people are not who they seem to be and i just leave it at that...they are hurting too and want love but the fear that they have comes up and swallows them whole...and makes them angry and bitter...and lash out at things unseen and useless.  it has been a pitiful sight.  i refuse to go down that same path...though i was angry at first...i will admit it...but that is my own choice...my own doing...and now i choose to love...and be lovely despite the whispers and naysayers.  i don't get it...we all have issues we all want to belong some need it more than others.  why attack another person for this...and again i dust the soles of my feet off and walk away...knowing that i have a delicious secret in my soul...that if the lies get much worse how much stronger then is my truth that i am living.  i am light i am love...i am blameless...

Sia - Breathe Me

i heard this a few days ago and it has haunted me...those who deal with the sadness that sometimes wont leave understand...this is why i paint..this is why i write...this is why i feel...

Healing Touch

BC is having a heart stent done next week.  i am not thrilled.  for the first few days i was strong.  i thought ok we did this last month and it was all ok so i will be ok.  Rewind to two nights ago...i am out with and amazing soul who does body work.  We were connecting over greek fries and the idea came into my head that i needed to get BC in for her to give him a massage.  i have not had a chance to experience her work yet but i thought ya know i love her, love her life, why not.  Edi girl, as i like to call her. has this spirit about her that is just loveable and open...there is such an accepting heart about her that is amazing .  there is no pretense or facade, what you see is what you get.  so after our dinner we set the appointment for last night.  and i tell BC the plans and he is inquisitive and ready.  and the funny thing is he is thinking that i am going to get one too and i am like no babe this one is all for you (though i could really use one)...so all of this brings us to last night..

 we get to the house and Edi girl has the music going ... i love it...everything is so calm...dimly lit...simply peaceful... BC gets comfortable and the music gets switched to a calmer more melodic tone...i pull out my sketch pad and start drawing.  Edi starts in on Bruce...there is light conversation a little bit of laughter and i glance up now and again to see the working of her hands.  And that is where it begins.. it is more than that...it is more than hands...it is soul...and at some points she was using her whole body...it was like watching a beautiful dance unfold.  The energy was amazing...Edi girls look of concentration and care was amazing.  And I watched my husband there on the table...and that was tender...sweet...poignant...a few times I looked up and she and I would smile and a tear would fall because we both understood with out words the love and tenderness of what was going on...The most peaceful part was where she placed a chair at his head and simply lifted up his neck and held his head...the grace and energy...swelling, rising, healing, calming...and then the other image was where she paused for the longest time with two hands over his heart and simply stayed there...my heart his heart her heart...i was so privileged to watch her work...and after we were done i gave her the drawing...my first to someone outside of my family... BC came out of there calmer and more centered...and i knew that for what was done i did it because of love...and that Edi girl too did it because of love...