a few paintings...

Christmas Rush...

The rush is over...the year is winding down...and the hurry and flurry is over.  I am grateful for today.  The quietness of yesterday was a welcome reprieve.  I still have the holes in my heart...but the other spots are full...and I am happy so very happy today.  Our family is not traditional our ties to the external not strong but the ones that we have to each other are enough... and those are the ones that count...we don't do serious pomp and ceremony nor many traditions...if anything we are non-traditional.  but we flow with what we have and love our life.  Here is too a wonderful end of the year and wonderful start of a new...

Thinking about the past year...

at work today I am in a pensive, reflective mood.  I am thinking about the past year.  I am able to do that while mindlessly filing.  *some days I really like my job* but then when my mind wanders like that I want to grab a keyboard and jot down the thoughts...and capture the snap shots that are swirling like the last snow storm thru my mind.  A friend recently said that I had had a tough year.  And I wanted to protest and say no just small incidents that have shaped my soul.  But it is true.  It has not been bliss it has not been a walk in the park.  That is why the darkness seems brighter at the moment.  I cannot shy away from that but at the same time I am so grateful that I can move on and let those moments of pain push me to grow and become.  What yet I do not know but I know this I am savoring every drop of joy that comes my way.
the first of the year started out with a huge dollop of hope.  a dream was about to come true.  I am still too shy to speak of it.  And the communications flew though they were just texts they to me were gospel and precious.  And I believed for the first time in 10 years I believed.  Then later that month the texts started to wane.  and I questioned and got the answer.  and I died inside.  I became angry...and closed...again. (tears right now...sigh) And after a few months spring came around...and began to believe in life .  Though not in that dream just at life in general.  My bonus son and I played during a day off...(a good Friday) we found hawk feathers...daffodils and purple flowers...we drove with the top down on the convertible.  May came and camping was in the air and we escaped...and looked forward to the rest of the summer ( mini vacations ) that we normally take to get back in touch with nature.  It is a centering time for our family...but this year it did not happen.  Work for my husband took over and life was hectic.  No one knew how much I longed to get away from the city and just breathe the forest.  And more death came and this was more unexpected than the rest.  It came in the form of a 4 legged variety.  Our dog Ray dog.  I mentioned it before...because it really rearranged my soul...i know something has been shifted, knocked loose...if it is good i am OK if it is bad i am OK. I was on the floor of the vets crying realizing that the dog that i really didn't love I loved...and I was brave as I cradled his head while he went to sleep...a sweet sad experience that I will never forget nor regret.  My husband could not come home so while I was on the way to the vets he had me tell Ray how much he loved him...I cried...he cried...we all as a family cried...
a few weeks later I was walking to work downtown tripped laughed  looked down my toe was scraped and bloody.   When I tried to get up I was in shock...it was broken...and I started to shake...and talk about the dog...life moves on...cant camp cant walk cant do anything this summer....and another health problem decides to label my life.  And I am angry, tired and crying not fair...when do I get a chance to breathe...Vacation plans are torn asunder time and time again and I am quite frankly tired.  Finally though we book a week in Michigan.  A 3 hour drive...to a lake front house...~bliss~...sheer...~bliss~sunsets, hand walking, storm watching, family time, standing still bliss...we are booked for next year same time...
and again I am rearranged by a surprise...honey do you want to go to Arizona to visit your best friend?  With tears streaming down my face I answer yes, Yes, YEs, YES!  I am gone for an amazing rejuvenating 6 days...and then back to life and reality and we camp finally...and we love it...and then my dream again and I pursue it every Friday night...and take over 800 pictures...which brings me to today...My husband has also dealt with health and a brother and cousin passing all within one week.  This was just two weeks ago...and I decided OK that is it...I am done...no more...no more...oh and did I mention a furnace going out?  I know mundane life things...but it is all swirling around my mind...like the snows we have been having they come about every 3 days now...it has been a rough year..  I am ready to close the door to 2010 but at the same time I have learned...
1. To love deeply
2. To be brave
3. To be flexible
4. To keep dreaming...
I have faith...it is there that still small voice calling to me...and I know that I know that I know all is going to be well.  The curves thrown this past year are meant for growth...the pain to make room for more joy...Would I trade the journey for an easier softer way...not today...not tomorrow...but for today...I dream...believe and hope.

Swwwwweeeet Soooouuullll

This little gurl had an epiphany this weekend...that it was ok to love again.  And it came in a most unusual form...a four legged kind...she was at a shelter per se and on a whim we walked in just to look.  I have never been a dog person. NEVER.  I have never been a cat person...until 3 years ago.  And now I am slowly slipping into furry oblivious love.  The family that I came into 5 years ago had an older dog named Ray...Ray dog.  And Ray dog was just that a dog.  Nothing fancy to me (or so I thought).  This summer we had to have Ray put to sleep.  it was difficult.  I thought that i could do this with no muss and no fuss...but the day before the true realization hit I was in tears.  (that should of been an indicator).  On the day of Ray dogs home coming I was on my knees with him in the vets office..telling him that it was ok and that we loved him...and Thank you Thank you Thank you...over and over again.  Fast forward to Saturday and Freckles...she is a bully/pit mix with the sweetest eyes...  We saw each other and realized that it was love.  And I still want her today.  But I can't have her.  Again I was on the floor with this pup in the midst of a adoption shelter at a teeming mall at Christmas rush sobbing because I knew that this dog was mine in heart and soul.  And she still is mine...though I can't have her.  And it hurts and I am empty but I know that it is ok to love it is ok to give it is ok ... I wish I had a happy ending to this and that Freckles was coming home with me...but it's not.  And I am ok for once my Sweet Soul is ok.  One more pain makes me more real more ready more lovely..

Indypendable

Death life Joy pain Sorrow winter Summer...The wolves are howling at my soul...and I am over the drama of children refusing to grow up.  So I have decided to get off of this merry go round and just chill.  The 9 to 5 is wearing on me...the home life though not so dramatic has had its moments as well...and my secret escape...well it has fallen to pieces.  All that is left is me.  I don't want to be on this ride on anymore.  So I got off.  And now it is almost bewildering trying to reorient my self to not moving on the different carnival rides.  I am still trying to find my voice and my legs wings.  An angel came to me today and noticed my quietness though she did not understand and she thought that it was directed towards the home-front I appreciate any scraps of sympathy.  i pride me on being indypendendable...my word don't need any one wont need any one...Then when the sH*t hits the fan I howl like a baby. Indypendable...