Thinking about the past year...

at work today I am in a pensive, reflective mood.  I am thinking about the past year.  I am able to do that while mindlessly filing.  *some days I really like my job* but then when my mind wanders like that I want to grab a keyboard and jot down the thoughts...and capture the snap shots that are swirling like the last snow storm thru my mind.  A friend recently said that I had had a tough year.  And I wanted to protest and say no just small incidents that have shaped my soul.  But it is true.  It has not been bliss it has not been a walk in the park.  That is why the darkness seems brighter at the moment.  I cannot shy away from that but at the same time I am so grateful that I can move on and let those moments of pain push me to grow and become.  What yet I do not know but I know this I am savoring every drop of joy that comes my way.
the first of the year started out with a huge dollop of hope.  a dream was about to come true.  I am still too shy to speak of it.  And the communications flew though they were just texts they to me were gospel and precious.  And I believed for the first time in 10 years I believed.  Then later that month the texts started to wane.  and I questioned and got the answer.  and I died inside.  I became angry...and closed...again. (tears right now...sigh) And after a few months spring came around...and began to believe in life .  Though not in that dream just at life in general.  My bonus son and I played during a day off...(a good Friday) we found hawk feathers...daffodils and purple flowers...we drove with the top down on the convertible.  May came and camping was in the air and we escaped...and looked forward to the rest of the summer ( mini vacations ) that we normally take to get back in touch with nature.  It is a centering time for our family...but this year it did not happen.  Work for my husband took over and life was hectic.  No one knew how much I longed to get away from the city and just breathe the forest.  And more death came and this was more unexpected than the rest.  It came in the form of a 4 legged variety.  Our dog Ray dog.  I mentioned it before...because it really rearranged my soul...i know something has been shifted, knocked loose...if it is good i am OK if it is bad i am OK. I was on the floor of the vets crying realizing that the dog that i really didn't love I loved...and I was brave as I cradled his head while he went to sleep...a sweet sad experience that I will never forget nor regret.  My husband could not come home so while I was on the way to the vets he had me tell Ray how much he loved him...I cried...he cried...we all as a family cried...
a few weeks later I was walking to work downtown tripped laughed  looked down my toe was scraped and bloody.   When I tried to get up I was in shock...it was broken...and I started to shake...and talk about the dog...life moves on...cant camp cant walk cant do anything this summer....and another health problem decides to label my life.  And I am angry, tired and crying not fair...when do I get a chance to breathe...Vacation plans are torn asunder time and time again and I am quite frankly tired.  Finally though we book a week in Michigan.  A 3 hour drive...to a lake front house...~bliss~...sheer...~bliss~sunsets, hand walking, storm watching, family time, standing still bliss...we are booked for next year same time...
and again I am rearranged by a surprise...honey do you want to go to Arizona to visit your best friend?  With tears streaming down my face I answer yes, Yes, YEs, YES!  I am gone for an amazing rejuvenating 6 days...and then back to life and reality and we camp finally...and we love it...and then my dream again and I pursue it every Friday night...and take over 800 pictures...which brings me to today...My husband has also dealt with health and a brother and cousin passing all within one week.  This was just two weeks ago...and I decided OK that is it...I am done...no more...no more...oh and did I mention a furnace going out?  I know mundane life things...but it is all swirling around my mind...like the snows we have been having they come about every 3 days now...it has been a rough year..  I am ready to close the door to 2010 but at the same time I have learned...
1. To love deeply
2. To be brave
3. To be flexible
4. To keep dreaming...
I have faith...it is there that still small voice calling to me...and I know that I know that I know all is going to be well.  The curves thrown this past year are meant for growth...the pain to make room for more joy...Would I trade the journey for an easier softer way...not today...not tomorrow...but for today...I dream...believe and hope.

abysmal pit

the emotions that i carry around sometimes get in the way...they are the chains and the wings to my life.  they are the essence of creativity and the welling of emotions.  when i love i love deeply.  when i see i see fully.  it has not always been so.  there are times when the pit of darkness calls and it is easier to stay there and not let the light in.  and then i hear life gently knocking on the door...rallying a cry of get up...get out...come see...
sometimes i wonder that as an artist if we have a different lens or sense of the here and now.  sometimes i want to hold up my hand and say look look at how blue the sky is...look look at how red the apple is...look look at how orange the sky is.  emotions...we, you, me, i...all jumbled together is this conglomerate that i call life..it took many years to get to today...dont let me close my eyes to todays wonders please dont let me be burdened by todays chains...let me embrace the good and the bad...and just be...to paint it to write it to pray it to believe it to love it to dream it...

i did it again

against all odds...i stood next to you on the fence...i watched you move.  with baited breath and dreams unfulfilled in my heart of us and of you.  i saw the fierce determination...the spring in your step and the intensity in your spirit as you paced up and down the line...and i watched with rapt emotion trying to pick up on some clue that you might know that you were loved...and then i saw you...your fierceness and your eyes for a brief moment...you let the protectful helmet out of your grasp though there were hundreds of sounds surrounding us...i heard the sound of the helmet hitting the ground...the uncertainty the crack in the amour...the crash of the helmet on the ground...the faltering second of your grasp...the slight slump of your shoulders...i wanted to cry out and tell you it is fine...you are loved you are wonderful...but you quickly recovered...and started pacing again...the caged wolf...